The Illusion of Divorce

Matt and I have seen some rough times. We’ve had so many incredible times and made lots of memories. Our life together has been an amazing journey. What I find sad is how many couples that started their journey around the same time as we did, have not made it. We have a framed engagement picture that people signed at the wedding, instead of a guestbook. If you go back and read that, the couples present seems like a casualty lists. I cant help but think of the broken lives and families torn apart by this ugly word called divorce.

But why have all these marriages crumbled? Why is it that we think that the only way to fix hurt, resentment, anger, or disappointment is to tear the union apart? Now, I am not talking about abuse where someone’s safety is in jeopardy. That is different and extreme circumstances. What I am talking about is phrases like “we just grew apart” or “I don’t feel the same way about my spouse as I once did” or “we married young and just want different things in life now.” There are so many more excuses for the failure of a marriage, but it doesn’t make it any more OK.

I think that sometimes we are in a situation that the alternative seems so glamorous. We picture ourselves outside of the marriage and imaging all the freedom that could be found by walking away. We don’t just think the grass is greener on the other side, we think the other side is paradise and free of all the troubles we have in our marriage. There is the illusion of divorce being a cure all to what ails us.

The Illusion of Divorce

But that illusion is a fairy tale with no happy ending. You don’t fix lives by tearing people apart. Now, I realize that working through tough times is hard. Not giving up is the hard decision because it requires effort to stand up for something versus running for the hills. I think all too often we become so selfishly motivated, that everything becomes all about me. WE want the freedom to see other people. WE want the butterfly feeling of a new relationship. WE…Me…My…I… So, say you decide to follow those selfish feelings. You leave. Then what? You find someone new, fall in love, get married, and then the new wears off and you are right back where you started from.

Do I always have butterflies in my stomach over Matt? Um no. There are times when he frustrates me just like anyone else has. Though now,  I can honestly say that those times are few and far between. My husband is my very best friend. He still gives me butterflies in my stomach, and I am absolutely crazy about him. This didn’t come over night. There were times that it may have seemed easier to throw in the towel, and walk away. The selfish part of me may have even considered it at one point. We worked through it, and because of those times of sticking with the rough patches, my kids still have parents that are married and in the same house.

So I encourage you to don’t even open the door of your mind by allowing yourself to even wonder what life would be like without your spouse. We cannot afford to let the seeds of divorce be planted in our mind, for us to water and grow with every fight or hurt feeling. We have to replace those thoughts with thinking about all the great things our spouses do for us. For every fight, there are so many more great memories to remember. For every hurt feeling, there are so many more great ones that you cannot wait to tell your grandchildren about one day. Make the choice to not fall out of love for the few things may do wrong, love them for all incredible things they do for you that make your life so much better and made your dreams come true.

About Heather

I am a wife of 15 years to my best friend, mom to 6 incredible little ones, and a daughter of the King! Join me on my journey as I strive to serve the Lord with all my heart and live my life to the fullest!

14 Responses to The Illusion of Divorce

  1. John Wilder March 18, 2013 at 9:05 am #

    Amen preach it sister. I work hard in my ministry to keep marriages together. It is the kids who suffer the worst consequences and result in kids living in single parent families, the statistics for which are STAGGERING. These kids represent the bulk of our societal problems today, For example the bulk of the school shooters come from single parent families.

    People tend to think that the grass is greener with a new mate, WRONG. The stats for failure for second and third marriages is 65% and 75% respectively. Don’t do this to yourself, your kids, your mate or your God.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  2. Alison Wood March 18, 2013 at 9:43 am #

    Thanks for writing this important post! I am repinning it. SO many people we know in the Christian realm are divorced now as well. Satan is truly trying to tear down the homes. Thanks for pointing out that divorce IS an illusion. Amen!
    Visiting from Pint-sized Treasures

  3. Brandy March 18, 2013 at 2:22 pm #

    With the attack on marriage I think this was a really good post. I have been married to for 16 years and we have four kids. And we have had some rough patches and still struggle to make our marriage a priority daily. Those butterflies are not always there, especially when we are in the trenches of child rearing. But when they are there they are just as wonderful (if not more) now, as they where in the early days of our relationship. It is so important to set aside time to just be a couple together.

  4. Natasha March 18, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

    Thank you for this post! I whole-heartedly agree with you about divorce. But I have to admit that I’ve threatened it many times in the heat of arguments with my husband. Sometimes it just seems so much easier to turn tail and run than to actually roll up your sleeves and fix whatever the problem is. Sometimes the problem is something external and completely out of both of your control. My very good friend and mentor told me one time when I was telling her about the horrible argument my hubby and I had one time, that I had to make the conscious decision to love him and then do it. No matter what he said or did. I had to stick to loving him no matter what. Its working well so far! But deep down we both really know that divorce is not an option for us, so we can either be happy with each other for the rest of our lives or miserable. And who wants to be miserable right?

  5. timmi March 18, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

    This was a great post. I have not thought about divorcing my husband once. Yes I have wanted to run off for a week to get away or we have had some pretty wicked spats, but know in my heart that there is no one in the world that can be my husband the way he is. Most of my family and some friends are completely shocked that are still together (I don’t air my dirty laundry) mainly because we dived into our relationship. We were planning on eloping after 2 months but found out we were expecting! Even though he wanted to still go to the courthouse because that is what he was taught, I said no babies change people and don’t wan the mess of a divorce. But 2 years later we were hitched and have been riding life together for almost 8 years. The good days always make up for the bad ones

  6. timmi March 18, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

    I also want to add that people think marriage will be a cure all. Theses people probably shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place and divorce was knocking on the door after the honeymoon. So there is an illusion to both marriage and divorce, and both decisions should not be made on a whim.

  7. Sherri-Anne March 18, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

    Thank you for this wonderful post.. It is true how many do not see the blessing of a long lasting relationship and look for those “butterfly moments” You husband posted this to a Google group. Thank you so much for sharing this.. I hope you do not mind I felt led to share this blog that was written a few years ago entitled God Wants To Heal Your Marriage, Will You Let Him.

    One thing I have learned over 22 years with my husband is that we must be one flesh as the bible calls us to be.. Many do not come together as one flesh because society today teaches it is all about me thus they do not submit as one flesh their marriage to God through Jesus.. God bless you and May the Lord continue to bless you with His wisdom, understanding and knowledge..

    • Heather March 19, 2013 at 10:25 am #

      Thank you for sharing. You are more than welcome to add your link to the link up at the bottom of the post as well. 🙂

      • Sherri-Anne March 19, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

        Thank you Heather, I messed up putting the link up there and now it has my name instead of the name of the blog.. I could not change it.. If you could help me I really appreciate it.. I am not sure if you can delete it and I can resubmit it again.. I am so sorry for any inconvenience.. I never use as link up before.. Thank you

      • Sherri-Anne March 19, 2013 at 3:25 pm #

        Thank you Heather. I did the link up but I did it wrong and my name was put in instead of the blog name.. Sorry it my first time using this type of blog.. If you could remove it I could resubmit it in the right format or if you can edit it could you please place the name as God Wants To Heal Your Marriage, Will You Let Him..
        Thank yo so much and God bless you…

  8. Lynell March 18, 2013 at 6:42 pm #

    I have been offered divorce twice in the past six months from my husband. We just crossed 4 years. I am torn as to what I will say if he offers it again. There is about 1 good day in 30. I am dealing with anger issues from way back in the past that have nothing to do with me. I have a 2.5 year old that I am trying to shelter from the temper (no abuse) and the mouth and the habits. It’s so difficult. What is sad is that several people have offered me a place to go. They have not offered it to him. I wonder what happened that I waited 33 years to get married and then found one of the angriest and most depressed people on the planet. I pray that God will get us through it, but I can only keep the marriage going for so long. That’s all it is now is a contract. I know God can do miracles. My son needs it more than I do. He needs to see an intact HAPPY family that serves God together, not just what he’s seeing now. It’s difficult. Trust me, I don’t ever want to get married again. Not after this….

    • Heather March 19, 2013 at 10:25 am #

      I believe that it is God’s will to marriages to last and to be a healthy blessing on both the husband and wife. That does not turn a relationship into one person being a doormat for the other spouse to stomp. I know that God can change your husband’s heart and restore your relationship. He is more than able to do exceedingly above what you ask or think. I will be praying for you. I am sorry that you are in this situation. My heart hurts at your perception of marriage. Please know that it is not the way the Father intended it to be.

  9. Rebecca March 18, 2013 at 8:53 pm #

    I really need to remember your link up. My husband and I married, divorced and remarried. YES – you need to stay the course – life does not get easier… and if anything you miss out on blessings that you never imagined or prayed for!

    • Heather March 19, 2013 at 10:01 am #

      I have read your story and you have so much to offer to Marriage Monday! Please link up. I know others will be blessed by your story!

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